Text first created: 2020-02-12
Substantial revisions made: 2020-07-09
File last modified:
Stercus bubulus omnia vincit
—My Daddy
I once wrote, “A political party is usually an alliance between the uncritical and the unscrupulous.” As I have grown older and wiser, I have learned that “usually” in that sentence should almost certainly be “always” or at least “almost always.” How else can one account for Donald Trump’s Republicans?
The basic text of this page was originally derived from unthinking catch phrases in countless soundbites by various pundits and politicians from the 1990s onward, who were probably convinced —perhaps correctly— that most of their listeners wanted to vote for really stupid people.
But the catch phrases of one election are not always the same as those of the next; each election throws new foolishness into relief. So the page has been revised more often than the others. (People have stopped talking about the “bridge to the new millennium,” for example.) Only the underlying conviction that voters will reward sanctimonious stupidity hasn’t changed much.
Here are some up-to-date catch phrases. At the foot of the page there are links to the versions developed for the last few elections. They overlap a lot as I strove to retain a single version before I acknowledged the impossibility of that. Sorry.
(Read blue or red by party preference, if you bother to have one. Assume candidates are running for Congress, but it is pretty similar at any level.)
So here’s the deal, folks: The reality is that Washington is/the Democrats are out of touch, and Trump/the liberal media can score cheap political points of epic proportions across the aisle, but in reality heart-warming law-abiding citizens in the abhorrent echo chamber of, by, and for the people can remake the broken system. We absolutely must have the rule of law/law and order with white supremacists working around the clock to hold Our Democracy accountable to those responsible for shaking our community to the core. That means bringing it together to talk and reason it through and do what’s right, which is a wake-up call that is toxic and out of touch.
The fact of it is that Trump’s/the liberal media’s illegal and unconstitutional actions are dysfunctional/a never-ending hoax, which is a complete fabrication and total lie that must not be allowed to stand because the fact of the matter is that these out-of-touch policies have not/already raised the graduation/infection/unemployment rate by 800% just in the last six weeks. And that, my friends, is exponentially existential for Our Democracy, and this cannot stand.
So here’s the thing: The Republicans/The Democrats have no coherent strategy. Nobody is a greater supporter of the Second Amendment and special interests than I am, but it is critical to put out the fire of lost loved ones, navigating the thoughts and prayers among systemic racism/law and order of our brave men and women in uniform. These are baseless attacks for partisan purposes.
But here’s the thing: We are fighting for the soul of Our Democracy. Infrastructure factors are the root cause of horrific counseling services to restore irrevocable harm to heroes across the aisle. This means the number-one priority is following the will of the hardworking voters, whose black lives matter, which is existentially exponential. The Democrats have a well developed/Democrats have absolutely no plan for a light at the end of the tunnel out of the woods of Our Democracy’s American Dream.
But enough is enough. The reality of it is that Republicans/Democrats prefer to require all agencies, in an abundance of caution, to play politics, and it is our top priority to have a transparent internal investigation into hard-working peaceful demonstrators exercising their right to step over the red line in the sand into common ground (which is ground zero in the struggle against the do-nothing Senate/House of Representatives) to keep our nation safe.
And here’s the truth: That’s (not) who we are. I will work across the aisle to shake up the system for the entire country, creating jobs, raising taxes on the wealthy/cutting taxes, and keeping/getting our economy working for every American because no one is above the law/in order to protect the rights of the unborn. And I will make sure that every man, woman, and child has the right to the world’s best health care/carry a gun openly in schools, supermarkets, and churches.
I am honored and humbled to know that you are going to vote for me.
Pundit 1: The breaking news in bombshell documents has become the eye-popping issue du jour. We have seen this movie before: The devastation of Trump’s/the Democrats’ delusional moral compass is an existential threat among suburban women. The death cycle may decimate the whole ballgame, which is toxic in black and brown communities. But the fact of the matter is that it is what it is.
Pundit 2: To grandstand has a chilling effect on each shiny object, but according to our reporting the granular inflection point is late to the game, which is a gut punch in disarray. That is a heavy lift, which has already cost thousands of lives playing whack-a-mole in communities of color.
Host: We’ll be back with more late-breaking news after this. [Cut to car commercial followed by pain-killer commercial.]
Pundit 1: According to my reporting, the must-read tipping point is the canary in the coal mine on a level playing field, namely the outrage about the loyalty skillset, which at the end of the day is an existential threat in communities of color.
Pundit 2: That may just be the elephant in the room because it was really a grandstanding screed that threatens to cross a red line in the sand, with the caveat that a fraught populist categorical imperative in a one-on-one matchup would move the needle toward the only grown-up in the room. But the fact of the matter is that it is what it is.
Host: We’ll be back with more late-breaking news after this. [Cut to insurance commercial followed by detergent commercial.]
Pundit 1: Clearly Trump’s/the Democrats’ railing is mere rhetoric and spot-on political theatre, which may rile up the base but is roiling the unhinged inflection point in congregate care facilities. “There is nothing to see here,” because words have consequences and are a systemic threat in free fall.
Pundit 2: What keeps them up at night is the tone-deaf chilling effect of social distancing on the right/wrong side of history in black and brown communities, which is heading in in the wrong/right direction in must-win purple states. But the fact of the matter is that it is what it is.
Host: We’ll be back with more late-breaking news after this. [Cut to medicine commercial followed by car commercial.]
Pundit 1: The canary in the coal mine is not to blame for the low-hanging fruit that is an existential threat to the new normal. We are on the gut-wrenching edge of the precipice looking into the abyss over the cliff in communities of color that are teetering on the brink calling balls and strikes. But the fact of the matter is that it is what it is.
Pundit 2: But it is clear that we have reached Trump’s/the Democrats’ watershed moment to take responsibility for having a gob-smacking dog whistle about a larger conversation on the existential nature of the tone-deaf rank-and-file’s culture of jaw-dropping core values in black and brown communities.
Host: We’ll be back with more late-breaking news after this. [Cut to brokerage commercial followed by plumbing commercial.]
Frankly, I am a great president. A lot of people say I am the greatest president in American history, a real game-changer. And my people —they are outstanding, wonderful people— have done an incredible job running our country. Incredible. Beautiful.
But I have been treated very unfairly by the very corrupt and poorly run LameStream Media. That whole Russia business was a total joke. Fake news. Pitiful. It was a total miscarriage of justice. Extremely disrespectful. Same with the Ukraine thing. Ukraine is also a joke. Whoever ever even heard of Ukraine before the Fake News invented it? Disgusting.
The Failing New York Times and other Fake News launched a very unfortunate witch hunt and everything they say about me is a con job. So inappropriate. Unpatriotic, maybe treasonous. Very sad. There was no collusion and no obstruction. Look at the size of my rallies! The lying Fake News is significantly, totally biased. Pathetic.
Sleepy Joe is a complete disaster. He did very bad things when he was Vice President. I call it Bidengate. He made a complete fool out of himself, so now all around the world nobody respects us. Disgusting. With him as candidate, the pathetic Dems are playing with fire, with a horrendous crisis largely of their own making. A total mess. The radical left Democrats are really in big trouble. The whole world is laughing at them. Sad.
And now he’s added Camel Harris to the ticket —I call her Camel because the Dems think she is supposed to carry Sleepy Joe. She is one of the nastiest, meanest, most disrespectful women in the Senate. She was actually my first choice because it will be so easy to run against her. She’s just horrible. This ticket is a real disaster for the Dems.
I don’t think they can win, but we have to defend America. If Sleepy Joe and Camel somehow do win it will be the end of health insurance; it will be the death of our schools; it will mean unlimited caravans of diseased immigrants streaming over the borders and taking American jobs and raping suburban housewives; it will mean unlimited abortion of American babies; they will close down the churches and confiscate the second amendment. Pitiful.
People keep talking about the China Virus. (I call it the China Virus, but it has lots of names. Some people call it the Kung Flu.) If China had done its work, there wouldn’t be any China Virus. But I mostly stopped it. It would be a lot worse if I hadn’t stopped it from continuing to pour in from China. We’d have millions dead by now if I hadn’t made the Chinese stop bringing it in.
And it is going to disappear. And we have great treatments for it. The best in the world. A lot of people say we will have a vaccine that’ll be 100% effective, probably in a couple weeks. I talked to President Putin, and he says that Russia already has a vaccine, so it can’t be long for us. Russia has a bigger problem than we do, but they have solved it. Our problem only looks big because we do so much testing. Disgraceful.
And China! China has the China virus everywhere! They are really in trouble over there. They could have millions dead within the next couple of days. It’s horrible!
Most China Virus cases have no symptoms. They are harmless. They only get reported because of the testing. But they’re harmless.So all this business about masks and closing schools is all just Democrat hysteria to try to hurt my chances for re-election. So don’t tell me about the damned virus. Everybody’s tired of hearing about it. It’s all just more fake news to hurt me. Pathetic.
I expect to win big-time in November, with a huge margin, probably the biggest margin in history —maybe almost unanimous. Just look at the size of my rallies! Everybody loves me. You know there are a lot of fake polls out there. Don’t believe the fake polls. Most people are really grateful for everything I’ve done. Polls that don’t say that are fake polls. I will win the election unless it is a hopelessly corrupt hoax because of phony mail ballots and votes by illegal aliens, which is what the unpatriotic Dems want. My re-election is not even a question of a choice. Believe me.
An unsolicited translation of an earlier version of this page has been made and is available as follows. Most such translations on this web site seem to have been produced as exercises in English courses. For this reason, (1) the translated pages are not normally updated when the page is, and (2) the links go to their original, untranslated destinations, and (3) Javascript expansions in them do not function properly.