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Text first created: 2018-09-02
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Stercus bubulus omnia vincit
—My Daddy

Jargon & Gibberish:
Politpiddle 2018: The Language of Public Posturing

Candidate Inside (Republican): Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable that we are winning on a daily basis who are turning a new page in reforming an unsustainable wake-up call. At the end of the day our constitutional principles coming down the pike are back on track big-league (bigly) on both sides of the aisle.

Candidate Outside (Democrat): The American dream is broken by bloated bureaucacy and budget gimmicks. We call for the resignation and for catastrophic structural change of the dynamic on the ground. Constitutional crisis is caused by the dangerously misguided culture of Washington and the devastating culture of harassment from the get-go.

Candidate Inside (Republican): We have created millions of high-paying jobs here in America on a daily basis on behalf of the American people Every day we are assaulted by fake news for partisan political reasons and I will fight this injustice with every fiber of my being. Hard-working Americans know the health of our democracy is our highest priority going forward into the future as we hold accountable the first-responders and focus like a laser on our DNA.

Candidate Outside (Democrat): This is a defining moment of critical infrastructure in the corrupt campaign finance system. This is not who we are. The Republican echo chamber doesn't have a clue and has failed to protect innocent lives out of touch with the American people. That is new low and a non-starter; it is not okay.

Candidate Inside (Republican): Activist judges must accept full responsibility for their unprecedented track record of appalling accountability and transparency. Hearts and minds are in our prayers during this difficult time, when it's time for laser-focus on keeping a level the playing field to keep us safe to live the American dream of oil, gas, and coal. Republicans have done nothing illegal on a daily basis to protect the nation because it is the right thing to do.

Candidate Outside (Democrat): The shocking rigged economy is on a slippery slope in a race to the bottom of overpaid political theatre of special interests struggling to make ends meet. Our perverse incentives are a model for the world and take it to the next level, but the 1% that are the greedy middle class weaponize unconscionable common-sense reforms in harm's way.

Candidate Inside (Republican): Democrats are engaged in a partisan witchhunt and want to open the flood gates to the same rapists and other tired proposals that have already been rejected. Studies show the American people's thoughts and prayers take this issue very seriously. They know that the way to move forward, which they deserve, is zero tolerance across the aisle.

Candidate Outside (Democrat): The days of throwing a dart against the wall of a rising tide lifting all boats are over and if elected we will reinvent the hard working innocent low-income middle class that are the hardest hit in harm’s way and move the country forward. which is in our DNA.

For talking-head commentary on this important debate, click here.

(Source: The basic text of this page was originally derived from unthinking catch phrases in countless soundbites by various politicians from the 1990s onward, who were probably convinced —perhaps correctly— that most of their listeners wanted to vote for really stupid people. It has been revised occasionally as new unthinking catch phrases have gained currency —people have stopped talking about the bridge to the new millennium or the imminent risk of Iraq invading Iowa— but the politicians' underlying conviction that voters prefer sanctimonious stupidity hasn't changed much.)/p>

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