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photo by DKJ

The Many Advantages of Being Dead

Click here for Jordan's Ruminations on Halloween
Click here for Día de los Muertos

There are certain advantages to being dead:

  1. There is no need to wash the dishes.
  2. Doctors don't tell you to eat less and exercise more.
  3. Banks don't ask you to sign up for yet more credit cards.
  4. Calories don't make you fat.
  5. No one tries to take your place in line.
  6. There are no midterms, pop quizzes, finals, or placement exams.
  7. Cats don't expect you to feed them.photo by DKJ
  8. It coesn't matter if you forgot to buy eggs.
  9. You don't have to attend any early morning meetings.
  10. Cell phone companies don't try to get you to sign long-term contracts with hidden charges.
  11. You can be as politically incorrect as you please.
  12. Nobody sends you unsigned valentines.
  13. You can quit saying hail-marys and still count as Catholic.
  14. Nobody expects you to write letters, reports, memos, checks, or termpapers.
  15. You don't have to change anybody's diapers.
  16. Nothing itches.
  17. Department stores don't direct "back to school" ads at you in June or Christmas ads in September.
  18. Teenage Nigerian con artists don't send Email asking for your bank information because they are sexy prostitutes wanting to have affairs or because you have won a lottery, or because they are rich widows of deposed dictators seeking to split the loot you will launder for them.
  19. You don't have to watch training videos.
  20. Nobody asks to see your ticket, press pass, membership card, security clearance, hall pass, passport, or photo ID.
  21. You are excused from jury duty.
  22. You don't mind waiting for tradesmen.
  23. Other drivers don't cut you off, slow down in front of you, pass you on the wrong side, or try prevent you from changing lanes.
  24. You don't have to ride Frontier Airlines.
  25. It makes no difference if your phone won't hold a charge.
  26. You don't have to hear rap music, listen to neighbors' political opinions, or read freshman compositions. photo by DKJ
  27. The alumni society gives up asking for contributions.
  28. Nobody tells you to change your log-in and password.
  29. You don't lose chess games to your computer.
  30. You don't get pimples any more.
  31. You don't have to spend time looking for a parking space.
  32. The government doesn't threaten to waterboard you.
  33. Domestic animals don't climb in bed with you.
  34. Professors don't tell you to attend office hours.
  35. You don't have to wait in your office hours and have no students show up.
  36. You don't have to give up your bus seat to old people.
  37. Elderly women don't keep dumping their food onto your plate to show that they don't eat much.
  38. Nobody cares about your fly being zipped, your knowing Latin, or your being on time.
  39. There is no risk of falling off the roof, stumbling as you cross the stage, or sneezing into the salad bar.
  40. There is no homework.
  41. Mosquitoes have no interest in you.
  42. You are not the target of car commercials, political campaign ads, or public broadcasting membership drives. photo by DKJ
  43. Nobody cares if you can't tell a crotchet from a semi-quaver or a merlot from a malbec.
  44. Nobody tells you not to suck your thumb, pick your nose, or chew with your mouth open.
  45. Neighbors don't complain about your noisy parties.
  46. Geeky idiots don't spam your Email account.
  47. Nobody says you have to finish your vegetables before you can have dessert.
  48. Your spouse doesn't have a fit every time you want to buy something.
  49. Ironing your clothes is unnecessary.
  50. It doesn't make any difference whether you have read War and Peace.
  51. You are free to forget holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and famous dates in history.
  52. You don't have to fold shirts or sort socks.
  53. You can ignore the rules devised by the neighborhood association, residents' committee, or board of governors.
  54. It doesn't matter if the bus comes late. photo by DKJ
  55. You don't have to participate in an experiment as a condition of passing your psych class.
  56. Nobody throws baby food at you.
  57. Insurance agents leave you alone. So do missionaries, Amway ladies, and kids selling magazines trying to pretend they are not selling magazines.
  58. It's somebody else's problem if the roof leaks, or the sewer backs up or the dog rolls in dung.
  59. There is no need to reboot your computer.
  60. You cease to be offended by foul smells.
  61. Your mother doesn't push you to pick a college major based on how much money she thinks it will make.
  62. Street preachers don't bother to tell you that you are going to hell.
  63. You don't have to get bubble gum out of anybody's hair.
  64. People don't try to feed you horseraddish.
  65. Nobody envies you because of the space you're in.
  66. People don't expect you to lend them money.
  67. You can quit worrying about what to do with old issues of National Geographic. photo by DKJ
  68. It is unnecessary to get up early to get to work on time.
  69. Labor unions don't try to organize you.
  70. You don't have to answer your critics.
  71. People don't tell you to quit smoking.
  72. Terrorists don't imagine that blowing you up will get them into paradise.
  73. You don't need to Google anything, fax anything, scan anything, photoshop anything, or muck with PDFs.
  74. There are no early morning fire drills.
  75. Losing your contact lenses is not a problem.
  76. People don't tell you to slow down.
  77. The teacher doesn't send you to the principal's office.
  78. You don't need to worry about the weather.
  79. Matchmakers don't try to force you into marriage (at least in most countries).
  80. Lawyers see little profit in suing you.
  81. You can stop applying for research grants.
  82. You don't need to get the car fixed. photo by DKJ
  83. You don't have to go through any job interviews.
  84. Kids don't expect Halloween candy from you.
  85. No one cares whether you keep kosher.
  86. You don't have to register for the draft, walk the dog, sort the laundry, or take the garbage out.
  87. Nobody tries to "friend" you.
  88. You don't care how much noise people make.
  89. No one phones you during dinner.
  90. You don't have to spend time commuting to work.
  91. Nobody asks if you are old enough to drink, drive, or see rated-X movies.
  92. Nobody says what a cute/ugly little kid you are.
  93. You don't need to floss.
  94. You don't have to sing the national anthem.
  95. Crazed fanatics don't declare jihads against you.
  96. You don't worry about falling asleep in class.
  97. Teenagers don't complain that you don't understand them. photo by DKJ
  98. You are unperturbed by jars that won't open, programs that won't run, and kids who won't listen.
  99. You are free of hangouts, likes, circles, and tweets.
  100. Nobody talks about Habermas, Bordieu, Foucault, Gramsci, or Derida.
  101. There is no need to drive on crowded freeways.
  102. You don't have to go to gym class.
  103. Old ladies do not tell you to carry a sweater "just in case it gets cold at night."
  104. People aren't offended if you can't remember their names.
  105. People don't knock at the door when you are on the toilet.
  106. Your back doesn't hurt.
  107. Parents don't tell you to eat yucky stuff so you can grow big and strong.
  108. You can ignore operating system upgrades. photo by DKJ
  109. Hong Kong touts eventually quit trying to sell you fake Rolexes.
  110. People don't speak to you in baby talk.
  111. Librarians don't reprimand you for making too much noise.
  112. Nobody cares if you're ugly.
  113. If you speak up, people pay attention.
  114. Pushy strangers don't butt in front of you in line.
  115. Real estate salesmen don't try to sell you useless land in the desert.
  116. Rush hour doesn't slow you down.
  117. You don't have to remember the code for the copy machine.
  118. Crackpots don't try to explain to you how they alone understand the mysteries of past civilizations.
  119. You no longer need to get a divorce.
  120. You don't get appointed to committees.
  121. People in New York don't expect you to pay extra attention to them.
  122. You don't care if the toilet paper has run out.
  123. Students don't ask you to raise their grade.
  124. Computers don't address you by your first name.
  125. Your mother doesn't expect you to grow up to be a genius. photo by DKJ
  126. You don't have to look at nag boxes or pop-up windows.
  127. You don't have to calculate how much income tax you owe.
  128. Your kids don't pester you to buy them expensive electronics.
  129. You don't have to pick strawberries, clean fish, or pluck chickens.
  130. Nobody tells you not to wear stripes and plaids together
  131. Gushy old ladies don't expect you to kiss them.
  132. There are no mammograms, pap smears, or prostate exams.
  133. Nobody tells you to lay off the gin.
  134. Sending Christmas cards is unnecessary and would only alarm people.
  135. Previous sexual partners don't try to attach your wages.
  136. You don't have to take out the garbage, or unload the dish washer.
  137. You don't have to give up anything for Lent.
  138. Sunburn doesn't lead to skin cancer.
  139. Nobody bullyrags you about donating your car to support public broadcasting.
  140. People stop asking your opinion about things they have already made up their minds about.photo by DKJ
  141. You don't need to think about Apple, Google, or Microsoft ever again, and malign techies stop telling you to switch to Linux.
  142. Nobody tells you to keep the line moving.
  143. You don't worry about having to lose weight.
  144. Mobile phone companies don't try to confuse you about their data rates.
  145. You don't have to attend training sessions about ethnic sensitivity, sexual harassment, lab safety, intellectual integrity, retirement options, alternative health plans, or conflict of interest regulations.
  146. You don't give a damn if your identity is stolen.
  147. Nobody expects you to spend Christmas with in-laws.
  148. Your mommy doesn't scold you for wetting the bed, and you don't have to be the mommy who cleans up after a kid who wets the bed.
  149. The fork can go on either side of the plate.
  150. It's hard for repairmen to cheat you. photo by DKJ
  151. It's not your responsibility to walk the dog or clean the cat's litterbox.
  152. The government doesn't draft you, tax you, or put you on juries, and in most countries it takes care of casting your vote for you.
  153. The post office doesn't deliver bills or junk mail.
  154. There are no more multiple-choice tests.
  155. Nobody cares if your driver's license has expired.
  156. You don't snore in church or cough in concerts.
  157. Excessive drinking doesn't lead to passing out, hangovers, or ill-advised tattoos.
  158. Words can be spelled any way you want.
  159. Nobody drags you to karaoke bars.
  160. You are immune to computer viruses.
  161. You don't have to juggle conflicting appointments.
  162. You don't worry much about global warming.
  163. You're done with iceberg lettuce once and for all.
  164. You don't have to fill out forms.
  165. If you stand up you can scare the b'Jesus out of practically anybody. photo by DKJ, SF Lincoln Park Grave
  166. You lose your fear of heights.
  167. You don't have to rake leaves, shovel snow, pull weeds, or mow the lawn.
  168. Nobody expects you to be a sports fan.
  169. You don't have to clean up spilled stuff.
  170. People stop telling you what you ought to read.
  171. Cholesterol is irrelevant.
  172. You are really convincing if you walk around as a vampire on Halloween.
  173. Cheap performers don't pull you onto the stage to dance with them or be part of the show.
  174. You don't have to figure out how to turn on the closed-captioning.
  175. Nobody worries about whether your teeth are your own.
  176. You don't have to save for retirement.
  177. You don't have to bus your own dishes.
  178. You have really high sales resistance. photo by DKJ
  179. You don't need to worry about posting bond.
  180. You don't have to get permission for anything from your mother, your supervisor, your spouse, or your Primary Care Physician.
  181. People give up on trying to get you to declare a college major.
  182. There is no risk of dropping the cafeteria tray, the collection plate, the communion chalice, or the Torah scroll.
  183. There is no reason to care whether Macs and PCs are incompatible.
  184. The insurance company stops raising your deductable.
  185. You don't have to worry about where to put things.
  186. You don't have diarrhea or constipation.
  187. You don't give a damn about congested traffic.
  188. Gold-diggers lose interest in marrying you.
  189. European philosophers won't be on any exams.
  190. You don't have to herd cattle, slop pigs, muck stalls, break horses, or sex chicks.
  191. The telephone doesn't ring just as you are going out somewhere.
  192. It doesn't matter if you split infinitives.
  193. You quit caring whether people mix up "may" and "might" or "affect" and "effect" or "went" and "gone."
  194. Pompous but insecure people don't try to bully you into saying you agree with them.
  195. Bran and wheat germ are irrelevant.
  196. You don't have to sit at the children's table.
  197. Freudian theory doesn't apply.
  198. You don't need to distinguish between running shoes and walking shoes. photo by DKJ
  199. It stops making any difference that the Republican Party has fallen into the hands of jackasses.
  200. You never have to use anybody's voice mail or put up with anybody's phone tree.
  201. It doesn't matter whether the discount coupon has expired or not.
  202. They don't send you to prison no matter what you do.
  203. You aren't allergic to anything.
  204. There is no need to make the bed.
  205. Nobody says you talk too much.
  206. You stop noticing people's English errors.
  207. People stop calling you a young whippersnapper or a senile old fart.
  208. The President doesn't send you to be killed in a foreign war that Congress never declared.
  209. Nobody tells you that it's past your bed time.
  210. The office of Human Resources doesn't try to meet Affirmative Action quotas by keeping "statistics" about your age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, or sexual orientation.
  211. Elderly women don't keep telling you not to drive so fast or pull in front of you so they can force you to drive very very slowly.
  212. Cleaning ladies, garbage collectors, and construction trucks don't come early in the morning in order to wake you up prematurely.
  213. You don't get birthday cards teasing you about your age.
  214. People don't tell you that you are full of promise.
  215. Nobody expects you to make a spontaneous speech.
  216. People don't come to the door to serve warrants, ask for your vote, or give you copies of The Watchtower.
  217. Crying children and/or howling animals don't waken you in the night.
  218. Old people don't say, "Oh, how you've grown!" photo by DKJ, Mummy, San Diego Museum of Man
  219. Prostitutes don't try to proposition you on Skype.
  220. Nobody tells you to shut up.
  221. You don't give a damn how the election turns out.
  222. It's okay if the plumbing doesn't work.
  223. You are a whole lot more gothic than people who are alive.
  224. You don't have to worry about dying.

A really big DIS-advantage of being dead is the prevalence of incredibly tacky, faded plastic flowers.

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All photos by DKJ